


Indecision

by CarrotsandDragons



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-21
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-31 13:51:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3980440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarrotsandDragons/pseuds/CarrotsandDragons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders knows that she kill him, Justice knows that she will not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Indecision

**Author's Note:**

> Something based upon a tumblr post by Winter-Fennec and ended up much longer than it should have been.
> 
> It's been a while since I wrote anything for fun...

He couldn't work so he paced around the empty clinic muttering to himself instead.

'She wouldn't understand.' He thought. 'No. She will.'  He thought again. 'She couldn't. ' 'She must.' 'She'll hate me.' 'She will fight for me. She always has.'

He couldn't decide--he never could.

Every part of him was torn; his thoughts carried him like a careless child playing near a river. Anders never knew which thoughts were his own, and which belonged to his old friend but neither could be swayed on the matter at hand.

She would kill him--Anders was certain, and she didn't someone else, Meredith or maybe even Orsino, would. ~~No. Hawke would never draw her blade against him.~~

He, or they, or whatever the two had become, needed to make a choice. Hawke shouldn't be a factor in the decision--but she was.

 

He needed to do something, something with his hands, he needed a distraction but he couldn't go see her; he couldn't touch her body or loose himself in her stories--so he pulled at his hair, the feathers on his pauldrons, paced around the small, damp room, and let the essence of his magic spill between his ink stained fingers--but it wasn't enough to divert him.

"She's the light of my life." He spoke aloud. "I can't lose her. I can't." He always knew that he would hurt her, he knew that he never deserved her but he never wanted her to believe that she ever loved a monster. 

He stopped pacing. She'd think he was a monster; no better than the Darkspawn or Templars that took away her family. She'd grow to hate him just as much. She'd take pleasure, he imagined, in killing him.

 

But it needed to be done--the circles have failed them. There could be no peace. His mission was greater than them both. But he didn't want to hurt her.

He could never promise her forever, but Anders wanted to make her smile. 

Anders braced himself against a splintered wooden table.

He pulled at the collar of his new black coat and bit his lip till it fell numb to the pain.

He imagined the look on her face:

She'd stare at him: surprised at first, then disappointed.

"Why?" She'd demand answers. Eyes empty of love, speech without mercy. "Tell me why! Why would you- How could you-" No.

No that wasn't right. She never was one to give tithes to the Chantry. 

 

"Anders." She'd say, her voice a shaking whisper, "I loved you. I did everything I could for you but this is too much." She wouldn't want to spend eternity with a monster. She wouldn't want to love a monster.

He didn't know what he'd say to her--he allowed himself to imagine but he had no excuse.

Even so, nothing would sway her judgment; she'd lift her dagger--no her sword, the one from her father that they found in the Deep Roads--and she'd kill him where he stood.

She wouldn't have another choice. He wouldn't give her another choice. She'd drive that jagged longsword straight into his chest and leave him.

He'd die at her feet--but Justice, at least, would be free.

He trusted her with his life, with his heart, and knew she'd make the right choice.

 

But that didn't make it easier to handle. His fingers trembled against the wood, the floor was wet with drops of snow he didn't know he summoned and tears he didn't want to cry as he clutched the table harder and lingered on that thought. She would make the right decision.

It was what she always did. 

Action needed to be taken. The mages needed the chance to fight and she would defend them, he knew that she would, but after the fight, after he was nothing but a bad taste in her mouth, she'd move on.

She'd love someone worthy of her. She'd forget about him: she'd forget their long talks and the warm baths, the days spent fighting bandits and healing patients together and the weight of his body pressed against hers as they cuddled in the night. She'd forget the passion they proclaimed, and the love.

"Forever." She once said to him, but she'd forget that promise too. She'd spend her life with a man or a woman who could actually promise her eternity. And he had to be okay with that. He had to let her g-No.

No. 

That is not how it will happen.

Anders touched his fingers to his forehead. He could feel the beginnings of another bad headache as the indecision spread like lightening through his mind. His thoughts grew louder, as though to overpower the violent image he envisioned before.

Hawke, he thought, is understanding; Hawke loves him, Hawke supports him, Hawke understands the importance of the cause and has expressed a willingness to help him. Hawke has no reason to kill him. Hawke may distract but Hawke knows mercy.

Anders wanted to believe. A great part of him knew those things were true but doubt swelled and lingered on inside him. What if mercy wasn't enough? What if love wasn't enough?

He leaned against the table till it shifted with his weight and closed his eyes, hoping to silence the opposing thoughts and wash away his doubts.

But they didn't end.

He and Hawke, he remembered, share a special bond much like that of Kristoff and Aura: He and Hawke share a bed together, He and Hawke eat their meals together, He and Hawke merge their bodies and call for one another in the darkness of the night. He and Hawke are in love.

Hawke will move mountains at his request, tear through any Templar to protect him--a fact he would know if he dared to set the woman loose upon his enemies and allowed Hawke to aid the underground mages. Hawke is like the Warden Commander, he thought; she has proven herself to be an ally of Justice.

 

Ah.

He understood; these thoughts belonged to Justice.

His friend was trying to comfort him.

Anders could have laughed at the irony, had his grief not caught him first.

This part of his soul, the part that wanted to believe in Hawke, in her love, mercy, and understanding, wasn't him--It was Justice.

He liked that his friend had come to see her as more than a simple distraction, as more than an asset for the cause, that Justice came to understand what she meant to him but, well, he'd hoped...he wanted those hopeful thoughts to be his. 

Her heart would break if she knew what he thought of her. She'd hate him. She'd- No.

No. Hawke would understand. Hawke knows him well. Hawke knows he needs to be assured of her feelings for him and has taken every opportunity to do so; Hawke will take his hand, greet him with her standard 'hi,' and speak kind words into his ear. Hawke will forgive, continue to love, and will fight for him.

He will not lose Hawke to this or anything else. Hawke promised them forever.

 

Justice was unyielding on the matter but here was work to be done and pushed their thoughts to another matter.

Anders relented.

He steeled himself, calming his nerves with soothing thoughts and waves of magic before sitting at his desk to pen another copy of his manifesto.

...

When the time came and the sky went red and rained down fire: she declared her support for the mages, defended him and his actions against Sebastian, and gave him her hand to hold.

"Let's go Anders." She urged him. "Meredith'll be at the gallows soon. We have to fight." She was tired, so tired, and it showed in her voice and through her smile, but she helped him from his crate and didn't let go.

His knees were weak. He couldn't feel her hand through her metal gauntlets, but he wanted to hold unto her forever.

"I- I thought that you'd-"

"Stop." She didn't need to hear how he thought she'd kill him in the street, or let anyone else kill him either. She hated that he thought such a thing. She didn't want to talk, not yet. They had no time to talk so she moved forward and pressed her lips against his. They were warm, slow and sad. "I love you." 

He felt himself breath for the first time in ages.

Anders wanted to hold her, to thank her for his life and the chance to fight for the lives of other Mages, but it wasn't the time for such a display. It was time to follow her lead and, if they survived this, he'd thank her in private.

'I knew it.' He thought. A self-satisfied feeling swelled inside his chest as he watched her march forward and shout orders to the friends who stayed. Anders smiled.

"Thank you, my friend."


End file.
